Guilt, Silence, Grace

Holy week comes around and I don't feel like much of a Christian.
Not because the gospel seems obscure to me,
But at times I fail to see how grace truly affects me--
Moving me to be the someone that has really understood my sins are washed away.

I spend all day wondering who I am,
And seeing who I'm not--
Thinking very little of the one who called me into being.

I could, like other years,
Conjure up some guilty feelings for Good Friday,
Wallow in the emptiness of Holy Saturday,
And wait to feel better on Easter.

Or
I could pray, knowing that I am guilty--
Knowing that there is silence between death and resurrection,
And that the hallelujahs will come, spoken into being by the giver of this grace.

I could pray.
That in the desperation that is Holy Week,
God would draw his cross upon my heart and on my eyes--
That I may be led to the tomb and to his great redemption.